On the other side of the table...

Since I am thankfully no longer attending to the needs of babies, beer-bellied bastards, and just downright b____, I have taken to admiring life on "the other side"...

"How old do you think I am?"

21. Younger than 21. Or close to 21. Which is why I just asked to see ID. 
And by the date on your ID, I wasn't far off.  You seriously JUST turned 21, so why are you acting so shocked that I had the 'nerve' to card you?  And if you are way over 21, why are you offended?  You should be flattered; I think you are younger than you are.
Rule of Thumb:  No customer is more important than my job.  Sorry.  I am not about to not card you just because you act offended when I ask.  In fact, it is going to make me study that, cheap, fake ID even harder.  In case you had not realized, TABC will not only suspend my license to serve you, I will lose my job, and face serious criminal charges.  So excuse me, but why did you ever think I would take a risk and not card you?

"Can I get a Keystone on Draft?"

No, but thank you for informing me that I will not be getting a tip.  Don't get me wrong, Keystone may be the drink of champions, not this champion, but some people genuinely like it.  That's great, especially for the creators of Keystone.
For me on the other hand, not so great.  Why? Because if you order Keystone, you might as well order water.  You can get any beer on tap-- yet you choose to order the cheapest beer on tap.  It's like going to a top knotch steakhouse and ordering the chop steak. 
Please, at least try to act like you have had better beer in your life and order, well, really ANYTHING else.

"When will you be working again?"

I know when I work next, but I certainly am not going to tell you.  Not only have you continued to stare at me all shift and make not so minor passes at me, but you are easily my father's age, or at least double mine. 

No I do not want to join you later. 
No I do not want anything more than your money and for you to leave. 

At this point in fact, I am less concerned with the tip you leave and more concerned by how I will react if you touch me one more time. 

Just for the record, I am not affiliated with a Twin Peaks or a Stripper Pole.  I am not here to serve you in any other way than bringing you food and maybe the occasional beer.  Do you not notice my eyes darting to the bartender for help?  Or do you just not care?

For all the old men out there who hit on their servers.  Please stop embarrassing yourself and making us uncomfortable.  Because Rule #1 of Serving:  We remember your face and we won't be so passive and polite if you come in again.

"You are the best server we've ever had..."

Oh thank you so much, that really does make my day.  I appreciate being told I am good at something, even if that is just serving.  But why oh why did you only leave me a dollar on that eighty dollar ticket? Did you simply assume that your Verbal Tip was enough?  Because although I am pleased you recognize my skill, I still have bills to pay. 
If you are a customer who does this, I do not want to make you feel your compliment was unnecessary, let me stress how nice it is to meet someone polite.  However, when I go home to a dark, cold house because my electric bill didn't get paid, my mind immediately flashes to your receipt and the $1.00 written next to 'TIP' and I fail to remember how nice you really were.  All I am thinking about is how I can't even wash my clothes for my next shift because the water bill went unpaid. 
In fact, what many customers don't realize is that servers only make approximately $2.15 an hour, and we are forced to tip out, which means pay the bartender, host, and busboy a minimum of 2.5%.  At most restaurants the tip out is 5% or more.  That means, on your eighty dollar ticket that you only left a dollar on, I now owe an additonal $1.13.  Sure that doesn't seem like much, but that means I just PAID to wait on you.  No matter how nice you are to me, and no matter how uplifting your Verbal Tip is, I am now further behind on paying the bills then I was before. 
Once again we come back to a common response I get from this argument, that maybe they needed the money more than I did.  Sure in reality, all my bills get paid so I never am actually in this situation, but that is because I conserve my money.  I work my butt off everyday, sometimes paying to wait on tables, and I never go out to eat if I can't afford it so I can pay my bills on time.  If you need the money more than I do, then please drive-thru.

"Can my baby get some crackers?"

Why?  Please tell me why your baby is here, screaming, in the first place?  I understand spanking is no longer a "good" parenting technique, but I would like to know what happened to the word 'no'?  Just because your child cannot sit still and you do not want to take responsibility and entertain them, or pay for a babysitter, does not mean I am now in charge of supplying entertainment for them.  Just because you are tipping me, doesn't mean I am your babysitter. 
Maybe you had not noticed, probably because you don't pay attention to anything, like your screaming child, but servers have to clean up after your family.  I don't care that your child likes crackers, all I care about is the fact that I have to spend the next two hours sweeping up every piece of those smashed crackers.  If you didn't know, cracker crumbs get into every crevice, in every place, and carpet? You try and sweep cracker crumbs out of carpet.  Exactly.  That $5 tip doesn't even being to cover the work I now have to put forth.
Although, I guess I would rather just give your child the crackers than have you sit there while your children run laps around the restaraunt.  Yes, this is not an exaggeration.  This one woman, who still comes into the restaurant would sit at her booth, pull out her laptop, and precede to forget she was a mother.  Her three early childhood/ pre-pubescent minion-like children would then run, and when I say run, I mean relay race sprint, around the entire restaurant.  One day, when I went to turn the corner, arms full with dirty dishes, I yelled "Corner!" [for non-servers this is what you did to avoid running into each other], and then was tackled by this little, blonde brat.  No apology. Nothing.  The child got up and continued to run.  The mother you ask?  Zero acknowledgement for what had just transpired.  But of course, at my restaurant this behavior, although not acceptable, is still observed and allowed to occur on at least a weekly basis. 
So, note to parents:  If you don't want to watch your children and entertain them, do not bring them to a restaurant.  Maybe Chuck-E-Cheese, but that covers about all your options.  If you can't behave them, leave them home.  Can't afford a babysitter?  Then you shouldn't even consider eating out in the first place.

"Um, Excuse Me Miss..."

Yes, you have my attention.  I will listen if you can speak to me as if I am a human being; however, the minute you cross that line and get my attention in an unsuitable manner, I will turn on you.  Do not expect me to respond if you even consider:

1. Snapping at me.  I am not a dog.  I see you.
2.  Interrupt me while I am at another table.  Do you see me?  Did you mean to interrupt me?  Now I think you are ignorant and inconsiderate.
3.  Raise your hand, and I don’t mean in the way where you just let me know I’m needed when I get a chance.  No I mean do not sit there and raise your hand high in the air, reaching as high as you can, holding it up with another arm, snickering along with the other people at your table.  Now you are just belittling me and I intend to stand there until you stop.
4. Yelling at me, especially when I am not your server.  If I am not your server, it is not my fault you didn’t get the ranch you asked for.  I would have happily gotten a ranch for you, but now that you have thrown a fit, I think I will take my sweet time.
5.  Holding your glass out in the aisle.  I’ll take a detour and come back around in a few minutes.

I’m an attentive server.  I recognize your needs and want to take care of you since you pay my bills; however, do not take advantage of that.  I do not want your money enough that I am willing to be disrespected.  If I am doing a bad job, do not be rude, simply reflect my performance in your tip [which should always be a minimum 10%, but we will get there later]. 

So then you may ask, “How do I get your attention if I need something?”  That is simple.  Ask for what you need when I am there or, simply smile and look my direction, I’m not dense, and I will get the hint.  If neither of those work, it is likely because I am busy…maybe that is why I am running around, breaking a small sweat.  If this is the case, please be patient or find someone else who is not as busy and POLITELY ask them to help you. 

Next time you say the words “um, excuse me miss,” it would be great if you could also include a please and thank you.